Recently, my mind has been imagining life with this baby boy.. It is so exciting and a little nerve-racking! My life this past year has been draining and chaotic, with these heavy emotions I have come to the realization that all is in God’s timing. This time last year I was dreaming and practically begging my husband to give the ok to try to get pregnant, but ultimately we waited. We knew it would be too difficult at that time and we weren’t quite ready. I was finishing my Bachelor’s Degree and we were planning to move out of my parent’s home. My oldest brother and his wife were pregnant and due in late summer, too. April of 2015 changed us and pushed us to set aside the idea of pregnancy for a while. Of course, it was still in the back of my mind and I had the irrational thought that a pregnancy would change the situation we were dealt. As we moved through the months, I spent a lot of time in anger, praying, begging God to heal our pain and bring us comfort. As July rolled around, we had moved out, moved back to my family home, I’d lost the opportunity to work for my dad’s company, and I had graduated college. We tried desperately to maintain our plans, our normal, our happiness. Nothing could stop the waves of sorrow, pain, and hopelessness. My husband and I decided we would take each day at a time and put everything in God’s hands. We began to try for a baby. Don’t ask me why exactly we did this amongst the chaos, it was just on our hearts.
I knew that my trust had to be fully committed to the Lord. I had to accept that I am not in control, if it was time, or wasn’t time, for us to start our own family, God would show us that. Jesus had control. He had a plan.
In September, a few weeks after my niece was born, Jarrett and I found out we were pregnant! It was an overwhelming moment. We both had a surreal feeling and I was smiling and shaking with nerves.
Suddenly, it felt like I truly didn’t have control. I couldn’t wrap my mind around it at first.
My pregnancy brought us happiness, however, it didn’t change everything in our lives. We were still dealing with things, hurting, desperately trying to keep our heads up. To be blunt, December brought a finalized divorce of my parents. The story is long, complicated, and full of details that make your stomach hurt. It began in April, and seemingly ended 8 months later. A whirlwind of pain. We are now approaching one year since my only Grandma’s passing (my mother’s mother) and my father’s decision to leave, which all happened in the course of 1 week. The week of April 13th, 2015.
You may be thinking, “wow..how does this story get better?” And trust me, I’ve been thinking the same thing for a year. The actions and happenings have caused separation and tension between some family members. It has allowed others to draw closer together. Ultimately, a couple of my siblings and I are now estranged from my dad. We’ve tried to be there in support, physically and emotionally, for our mother and one another.
This baby boy of ours is due early June. He is exactly what we need. As a family is torn apart, it is time to begin anew. Our greatest hope and prayer for this baby is that he grow up in a loving home and may he never experience the type of pain that divorce brings. Selfishness is cold and blind. People do bad things. Our baby is coming into this world at the perfect time. God is blessing us with a new life, a new beginning, a new love. May he bring us comfort and healing through this child. I believe that good can come out of darkness. Motherhood will be a joy and a challenge, but it will push me into redirecting my focus. Not only onto my child, but on Jesus, on my marriage, and my family.
I have dreamed of being a mother and a homemaker since I was a young girl. I have always felt a pull to motherhood. People would always ask about my goals and dreams for the fashion industry and as much as that sounded appealing, I knew in my heart that a wife and a mother was my real goal. Now, in the midst of the hardest time in my life, I also will fulfill that desire to become a mother. Timing is odd. It doesn’t always make sense, but it is always in God’s hands. I hope you come away from this long essay, remembering that God has a plan. That you need to trust in Him, no matter how hard it gets. He will bring you out of darkness.
“I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground. These are the things I do, and I do not forsake them.”
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.”